Words Are Hard

Writer, Messenger, and Professional Weirdo

Tag Archives: plumbing

Things People Say When They Call Me

Happy Memorial Day!  Since I’m getting 14 hours of holiday pay while you lucky ducks get your barbeques and whatnots, have a fluffy fun lil post and remember why we get to do fun things like barbeques and picnics:

Image from Wikipedia.org




My job is full of fun.  Considering how often we deal with death and those left grieving, you wouldn’t think so.

But then we get the weird callers.  Of course, my first instinct upon getting a weird caller is to make them feel at home by being equally weird:


After suppressing that temporary urge, I’m able to deal with the call in a professional manner but every once in awhile I’ll get one that just makes me stop and stare at the computer for several seconds while my brain blue screens.

These are very real things that very real human beings have said to me.  Nope, I am not naming the business they were calling and yes, this covers more than just the ones calling funeral homes.

But first, a PSA:

“I just killed my husband/girlfriend/dad/mom/poodle you need to come pick him/her/it up.” – is a running “joke” among funeral home prank callers.  I’ve gotten several variations on this over the past couple years.  It wasn’t funny the first time.  It will never be funny.

If you’ve ever been tempted:  Don’t.

And now, onto the actual really strange stuff (hopefully funny or at least groan-worthy)!  Wording has been slightly changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

“I am a certified, licensed prophet.  That’s prophet with a ‘ph’.” – funeral home

“My toilet has gremlins.” – plumbing company (no, they were not joking)

“Are you a person?” – every account ever

“My dog is having the butt problem again.  …They’ll know what I mean.” – veterinarian

“Do you sell formaldehyde?  I want to preserve this animal embryo I found when I went hunting.” – funeral home

“Do I have to be dead before you’ll cremate me?” – funeral home

“So I used to be a stripper.” – funeral home (an elderly woman told my male co-worker this …at 2am)

“NO WAR IN DETROIT!” – funeral home that is no where near Detroit…

At least no one can say my life isn’t interesting.


Author, ranter, dad


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